I long to know where you are and how you are spending your days.
What time do you wake up in the morning?
When do you arrive at work?
What do you wear?
When do you take a shower?
Are you impatient?
Do you think the whether is too warm or too cold?
If the weather is polluted or dusty do you feel it?
I want to know how you get to the office.
I yearn for the light that illuminates the steps to our house.
I have forgotten, what did you say was the color of the walls of our apartment building?
I yearn to know where you sleep.
How do you wash your clothes?
How many new people have you met that I don’t know?
Who have you argued with that I am unaware of?
What are you reading?
What are you listening to?
Do you still stay awake
until the early hours of the morning surfing the internet?
I want to know how you are and what you are up to.
I want to know where you shop.
Are you eating fruits?
It is summer now.
Have you eaten any watermelons, strawberries, green plums, apricots, or cantaloupes?
Were they delicious?
Did you enjoy them?
I yearn to know if you still get a headache if your afternoon tea is delayed.
Does you cell phone still need recharging all the time?
Do you still forget to take it with you?
Do you still wash you hair some mornings in the bathroom sink?
Do you still sometimes eat yogurt with dry bread?
Have you still not bought yourself a new bag and a new shirt?
I yearn to know what you think of when you think of me.
What do you want to know?
What do you think of when you shop for me?
What do you remember of our past together?
Do you still pay attention to our anniversaries?
Do you remember that you showed me Isfahan for the first time on the 25th and 26th of June in 2002?
Do you recall the days when we went to the streets so we could be together?
Do you still remember the afternoons we spent at Saati Park?
Do you remember Zav?
Do you remember way back when you used to take me to Darband?
Do you remember that we went there the last time with Ahmad in spring 2008?
Do you still remember the taste of my cooking?
I don’t remember it anymore…
Do you recall how we slowly bought all our furniture together?
Do you remember the new year in 2008?
Do you remember that we went to the Caspian Sea and went to the beach?
Ahmad was with us too.
Do you recall June 6th in 2002 when you gave me an ultimatum and told me to move on with my life?
Do you recall the first time I was released from Evin in June 2006?
Do you recall March 9th, 2007 when I went to the Central Council?
Do you recall August 8th, 2007, the afternoon I was released from prison?
On the doorsteps at my father’s house you said, “Wait a little longer…”
You said, “In one month I finally came to the realization that I can’t live without you.”
Do you remember March 7th? I know you remember it. It was 7 1/2 years ago.
Amin, I miss everything…
every single thing…
every cell in my body is in pain as a result of my longing…
I am tired of the small dreams that are draining me of air…
You don’t know what it feels like to be held in this damned cage
And watch three people buried in front of your eyes;
two of whom, particularly the last, were angels with exemplary characters…
You can’t imagine what it feels like…
and I hope you never have to experience it…
I yearn for your calm embrace...
Bahar, Evin Prison, 9th of June 2011